Part One: The Art of Listening

“He who gives an answer before he hears. It is folly and shame to him.”
Proverbs 18:13 NASB

“It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes

In pursuit of lifelong learning Success-Minded People must come to grip with the ever important task of listening. You may say, “I listen all the time. That isn’t so hard.” What you do is hear, not always listen. Hearing and listening are two very different things. I can hear many things, but I only listen to those I wish to. Even for those like myself who’s profession it is to listen to others we can be shocked to find we really listen very little to what is said to us.

According to information by the International Listening Association’s (Yes, there is a group for everything) website. Did you know?

We think at a speed of 1000 – 3000 words per minute
We listen at a speed of 125 – 250 words per minute
We remember only 20% of what we hear
We forget 50% immediately after a person stops talking to us

Success-Minded People know that good listening habits are the key to good learning. Once you have developed good listening skills you find you learn more, enjoy more and remember more. Listening skill will help you on the job, or to get a job. They will show you care about what is being told you and you can be more efficient since you will only need to be told once. It is as Sir Robert Baden-Powell, founder of the Boy Scouts said, “If you make listening and observation your occupation you will gain much more than you can talk.”

You will enjoy and be enjoyed much more in conversations. Success-Minded People know that listening is really hearing what that person is saying and be able to ask the right questions or give the right advice when needed. Listening to others show they have value to you and they matter. We all like to feel we matter. Author Glenn Van Ekeren wrote, “A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something.”

Success-Minded People must understand that the only way you learn about people is to listen – really listen to them. You can take classes on human behavior or study information like DISC or other assessment tools, but you must remember this key piece of information: Every person is different and each of us need to be heard. There is only one way to know what a certain person is feeling and thinking and that is to listen to them. Listen to what is said and even more importantly, what is unsaid. Peter Drucker known as the Father of Modern Management said, “The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.”

One of my favorite writers is Dave Roper. In 2003 he published a devotional type book called Out of the Ordinary. I have made it my habit to read this book at least once a year. One chapter is titled Learning to Listen. In this chapter he gives a great list of how to tell if you are listening. I want to share this with you:

When I’m thinking about an answer while others are talking – I’m not listening.
When I give unsolicited advice – I’m not listening.
When I suggest they shouldn’t feel the way they do – I’m not listening.
When I apply a quick fix to their problem – I’m not listening.
When I fail to acknowledge their feelings – I’m not listening.
When I fidget, glance at my watch, and appear to be rushed – I’m not listening.
When I fail to maintain eye contact – I’m not listening.
When I don’t ask follow-up questions – I’m not listening.
When I top their story with a bigger, better story of my own – I’m not listening.
When they share a difficult experience and I counter with one of my own – I’m not listening.

I don’t know about you, but I find this very challenging. I have always thought I was a good listener but I find more of this list applying than not. I believe this is true for most of us. Mr. Roper also said, “Listening is a lost art these days. We don’t listen well and we aren’t use to being listened to. Most of our words simply fall to the ground.” For many, it is not that they don’t care about others but that they have never learned to listen. This is not an excuse for bad listening habits, just pointing out a fact.

Now of course there are those (and we all know them) who only care about what they think and say and therefore do not listen to others. They are the ones who always have a better story or the answer to every question or suffer more than anyone. If this is you, I suggest that you really focus on your listening skills, get over yourself and grow. If it describes someone you know I really do not know how or if you can stop them. You cannot change anyone who does not wish to do so.

Success-Minded People will always lead by example. If you are attempting to help someone to listen show them how by doing it, not by telling them. Pastor and author Max Lucado said, “People are watching the way we act more than they are listening to what we say.” We can be misdirected to think that the only way we can communicate with someone is to talk at them. People learn more from those they admire and feel safe with. Few people are more admired than those who can listen. I have met with people who needed to talk out their struggles. In an hour conversation I might say four or five words, but I am attentive to them and I show them I am listening. At the end of our time I am told what a great conversationalist I am and how my advice helped them. I really did not give advice; they figured it out for themselves. They needed someone to listen not to talk to them.

Businessman Bernard Baruch said, “Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” Success-Minded People know that talking expels energy and clouds vision. The more you talk about something the less likely you are to do it. Those who listen learn. Success-Minded People find those who have succeeded in their area of interest and they listen. They prepare rich questions and they listen to the answers. You can learn more from the answer to one rich, probing question than you can by just chatting. Ernest Hemingway said, “I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.”

Remember that listening is an active thing. You must do it deliberately and consistently. You listen to hear what people have to say. You listen to learn what others have to teach you. You listen to understand who others are and what they feel and think. And if you find that you are not being heard by others, be patient with them. To quote that great thinker Winnie the Pooh, “If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening – be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.”

© 2011 John Patrick Hickey